Sunday, August 26, 2007

Validate Me

I think I’m addicted to Facebook. It seems to me this phenomenon is fueled by my need for approval, which, ironically, is not something I typically seek out in my normal life. I watch as my friend count grows astronomically, add applications that say something about myself and write pithy comments all in hopes that someone will respond. One of my favorite blog/podcasts proudly calls itself the “validation sonar” of which the proprietor shamelessly admits its sole purpose is just that. Why do I demand validation from one of the most infamously disconnected mediums known to humankind?

Anyone who has spent any time using a computer knows the propensity for the misconstrued email. Perhaps it is the fault of the writer who too quickly hits the send button, the reader who always assumes the worst, or a combination of the two, but more often than not, in this virtual friendship, we are misunderstood.

So, that’s the way I see it…validate me.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Long Summer

It has been a long summer. Clinical Pastoral Education has taken its toll and left me enervated, raw, but ready. I came to Rex hospital in Raleigh, NC feeling cynical, anxious, and isolated. As the summer progressed I became more receptive of the process and I started to discover things. Beyond learning things about visiting patients in the hospital, I discovered things about myself as a pastor and things about the people enrolled in the program with me. Surprisingly, as I learned these things the hospital room visits became easier. I was able to relax and let unfold what unfolds and be comfortable with simply being there.

Perhaps one of the most memorable moments occurred when I spent an hour with the friend of a patient who had passed away from Cirrhosis of the liver due to achohol abuse. The deceased patient was jaundiced and her stomach was distended. I asked the friend about the patient, “What was she like?” She answered, “She was a great airline attendant.” I sat there with that answer echoing in my ears, unable to speak, tears forming in my eyes. The silence seemed to scream.

It was very hard work. I will list it as one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I will graduate from the program, but I am left with a weird feeling of incompleteness. It is as if I am walking away leaving something unfinished. I wonder if I learned all that I was suppose to, but I am too tired to continue on. So I shift the mantle to others who follow me and return elsewhere to continue my discernment for ministry.