Long Summer

It has been a long summer. Clinical Pastoral Education has taken its toll and left me enervated, raw, but ready. I came to Rex hospital in Raleigh, NC feeling cynical, anxious, and isolated. As the summer progressed I became more receptive of the process and I started to discover things. Beyond learning things about visiting patients in the hospital, I discovered things about myself as a pastor and things about the people enrolled in the program with me. Surprisingly, as I learned these things the hospital room visits became easier. I was able to relax and let unfold what unfolds and be comfortable with simply being there.

Perhaps one of the most memorable moments occurred when I spent an hour with the friend of a patient who had passed away from Cirrhosis of the liver due to achohol abuse. The deceased patient was jaundiced and her stomach was distended. I asked the friend about the patient, “What was she like?” She answered, “She was a great airline attendant.” I sat there with that answer echoing in my ears, unable to speak, tears forming in my eyes. The silence seemed to scream.

It was very hard work. I will list it as one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I will graduate from the program, but I am left with a weird feeling of incompleteness. It is as if I am walking away leaving something unfinished. I wonder if I learned all that I was suppose to, but I am too tired to continue on. So I shift the mantle to others who follow me and return elsewhere to continue my discernment for ministry.